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There's no doubt the Russians are to blame

| October 28, 2020 12:00 AM

They are at it again!

The most diabolical, evil nation on the planet is behind everything. Blame it all on them, those nasty, notorious….Russians.

The Russian are coming, the Russians are coming. Lock up your daughters and unplug your computers (which increasingly is not a bad idea).

Now, if someone cuts you off in traffic, look for one of those furry pillbox hats. Surely a Rooskie is somewhere nearby.

Toilet paper shortage during a pandemic? Gotta be the Russians. What a low blow they struck, it could have wiped us out. Or ran us out of wipe.

Had that jumbo bull elk in your sights and missed? No doubt a here-to-fore unknown Russian weapon that makes American bullets go astray.

A certain presidential candidate and his son/brother/uncle get their bank accounts fattened overnight by underhanded means? Yup…Putin and company did that too. They invented greed, right?

Now, let’s be crystal clear. I am not a fan of the Russian government. These guys burp at a baptism and blame the baby. They consume copious amounts of steroids and say it is proof the Russian wheat crop is superior to the rest of the world’s supply.

Blood doping at the Olympics…nah, just a sign, comrade, of our clean air efforts. Chernobyl was good for the environment. Stalin loved everyone, to death.

But could they possibly be behind everything that goes wrong in the USA?

If you listen to folks like Adam “Cattle prod” Schiff, the Russians are so bad they slipped into a computer shop in Delaware and planted a computer right in front of a legally blind guy.

Oh, they are bad. The only good thing to come out of that frozen wasteland is Russian salad dressing and even that doesn’t hold a candle to ranch dressing. These guys think cold beets make a good soup.

But thanks to their clever, crafty ways, I can now lay the blame for things that have gone wrong in my life squarely inside the halls of the Kremlin.

Mouse runs up my pant leg? Surely a Soviet mouski sent to disrupt my evening and freak me out for several days in a row. Talk about mind control.

My pipes froze one winter in a house I owned at Liberty Lake in Washington state. No doubt in my mind now that it was a secret Soviet weather control device that pushed cold air into the walls of my poorly insulated home. And the plumber who fixed all those broken pipes on a Saturday was unmistakably a Russian agent.

Woke up with a bad headache a few years ago…you guessed it, Russian vodka. What kind of animals make alcohol out of potatoes?

UFOs appearing in the night sky? Gotta be Unidentified Foreign Oligarchs, straight off the streets of Moscow.

So, given just these few examples of dastardly deviousness, who could doubt claims but such honest individuals as Shifty Schiff, Crooked Hillary and Gerald “my pants are high for a reason” Nadler that Russians are to blame.

Never mind the Chinese communists are turning the South China Sea into a chain of sandbars, this is merely their attempt to provide the world with more luxurious island getaways.

And if you play your cards right, your son can get rich just talking with them, as long as Dad is a high-ranking American politician.

Look what the Russians have done to local football and volleyball schedules this year. Working in conjunction with their Chi-comrades, they have created a real mess. Just ask any stressed-out school athletic director, who probably has cursed the former Soviet Union many times this year.

Forests on fire, hurricanes blowing up the Louisiana coastline like the sidewalk air vent blew up Marilyn Monroe’s skirt, cardboard cutouts of people at sporting events everywhere? Who else could be at fault except the Russians?

Yes friends, we’ve got trouble, right here in River City. It starts with an “R” and that rhymes with czar.

The dog didn’t eat your homework, the Russians did.

Chuck "Kvelve" Bandel is a reporter for the Mineral Independent and Clark Fork Valley Press. Look for his “Kvelve’s Comments” column weekly.