Santa's 'ho, ho, ho' on chopping block

Just when you think you've heard it all, someone complains that Santa Claus' "ho, ho, ho" is offensive to a group of women.

Yep, that's what happened. Admittedly, I may not have the whole story, but apparently, a newspaper in Sydney, Australia, reported that the fill-in Santas were told to not use the traditional ho, ho, ho because it offends prostitutes, which are sometimes referred to as "ho's" a short version of whore.

Over the past 20 or so years, Christmas has come under a lot of attacks by minorities who are offended by the religious context. Let's see, Christ — Christmas. Hmmm, just maybe it has religious connotations because it is religious. I mean, it is about the birth of Christ. In people's overzealous attempt to be politically correct, now, Santa is being attacked for his laugh.

I was flabbergasted. I was truly at a loss for words, so I decided to get the scoop from the big guy himself. I was surprised to learn that an overanxious lawyer got to Ol' St. Nick first, to serve him a civil suit.

Resting at his summer cottage in McMurdo Sound, Antarctica, the California lawyer tracked down Kris Kringle. In an exclusive interview with Santa, I was able to get his take on ridiculous accusation that he was offending ladies of the evening.

He looked terrible. With the stress of the ordeal, his traditional red suit hung on him like Twiggy wearing a tablecloth. Mrs. Claus said she'd thrown out about four dozen cookies and nine gallons of milk because he'd lost his appetite. She tried to cheer him up with her impressions of Jack Frost, but got barely half of a ho out of him.

"I never meant to insult anyone," said Santa. "It's just the way I laugh! Are they going to make me lose weight because I'm not a healthy example to the kiddies? Will I be reported to PETA because one of my reindeer could break a leg on landing?" asked the head elf.

"Next thing you know I won't be allowed to go down chimneys because some kids might try it," he added. The civil suit came after Santa refused to switch to "ha, ha, ha," he said. Kids will be impacted around the globe, said Santa, because his ho, ho, ho is an international laugh. "Ha, ha, ha, just isn't as jolly-sounding," said Santa, who fears that if people hear him using the alternate laugh, they may think he's a fake Santa and hand him over to law enforcement authorities for questioning. "That would be devastating to my work."

Kringle's delivery plan and route are classified, but he said he must have everything done in 24 hours, something he can't accomplish by being detained by police.

In addition, he's received countless calls from lawyers who would like to defend him, along with numerous prank calls. He said he plans to toss his cell phone out somewhere over the Bering Sea.

He said his wife has already received a subpeana to testify against him, along with 14 of his female elves. "What's going on? Are they trying to kill Christmas. OK, I tell a few off-color jokes after a few eggnogs — is that a crime?

Santa said he's never faced such a fervent adversary as a lawyer, who he said has hounded him at work and sent private eyes to watch him at his Antarctic and North Pole residences. "This is why most lawyers don't get anything from me. They're just not like Perry Mason or Matlock these days," said Santa.

The only event that came close was in 1945 when Adolph Hitler threatened to send a Panzer tank division to the North Pole because he didn't get a Teddy Bear he'd asked for.

He said the Allies whipped the Nazis, but two months after the war ended, an American officer discovered more than a dozen tanks equipped with skis and Arctic weather uniforms in a hidden bunker. In one of the tanks was a map to the North Pole.

He said he's done everything to ditch the paparazzi by wearing sun glasses, different color long johns, switching out his black boots for sneakers. "I even put on a turban once. I don't know how they know it's me."

Santa is unsure how this is going to turn out, but he said he doesn't plan to fold and he plans to defend himself. "I'm going to fight it to the end," said Santa. "They're toying with the wrong chubby guy."