Seeds of jealousy planted at young age

Jealousy is a very complex emotion. It is estimated that 20 percent to 35 percent of all murders involve a jealous lover.

Jealousy is a very complex emotion. It is estimated that 20 percent to 35 percent of all murders involve a jealous lover.

A third of all couples in therapy have a problem with jealousy.

The dictionary defines jealousy as a fear of being replaced by a rival, especially in regard to another's affection; demanding exclusive worship and love; fear of losing someone's affection or love; the suspicion of rivalry or unfaithfulness.

As one can see the definition of jealousy has either a direct or indirect expression of fear or personal insecurity.

Jealousy seems to include an absence of trust in the other person's ability to remain faithful, and a very definite self absorption. Another concept that is part of the definition is rivalry or competition.

This adds another dimension since it brings winning or losing in as part of the situation. And, every time there are winners or losers, there is generally resentment, bitterness, anger and a desire for revenge.

Jealousy then becomes more complex and dangerous.

Contrary to popular belief, jealousy is not a manifestation of love.

The seeds of jealousy are planted in childhood and represent a form of insecure attachment - the partner of a jealous person does not cause the jealousy.

The jealous person fears the loss of the relationship, even when there is no rational reason to believe that will happen.

Power and control is involved in jealousy. The jealous person often attempts to control the feelings and actions of the other person through manipulation, punishing, withholding and sometimes even violence.

Not being in control of their own emotions, the jealous person will try to feel safe by being in control of his/her partner. The greater the threat, the more intense the jealousy.

A survey in the magazine Psychology Today showed that separated and divorced persons suffered the most jealousy, followed by cohabiting single people, and married people the least.

If you are insecure about a love relationship and very dependent on your partner, you are likely to be jealous.

There is a wide range of emotional responses to jealousy.

These include: clinging, dependancy, violent rage at the competitor or the partner, morbid curiosity, self criticism, depression with suicidal thoughts, hurt and resentment, an urge to get back at the partner, fear of losing companionship, loneliness and giving up all future plans.

What are some ways in which to cope with jealousy?

Work on self esteem and have a belief that the future will be okay.

Some simple techniques that may be useful in reducing jealousy is to stay active, distract yourself with friends, hobbies, work etc. Stop intrusive thoughts arousing fantasies about your partner or what s/he may be doing.

Vent the hurt and angry feelings by seeking support from friends and telling what you are experiencing. Challenge your irrational ideas that drive you crazy.

Remember you are responsible for your own feelings.

In some cases, some partners are so self centered that they cannot be faithful; and no love comes with a life time guarantee.

Maybe there is a reason your former partner is interested in somebody else.

One important point to realize is that intense jealousy does not prove intense true love between two people.

Jealousy only reflects your intense needs, your desperation to keep what you want and your unrealistic demands about what the future should hold. Thus, jealousy reflects self interest and self love not mutual true love.

A second important point is that your partner can decide to like or love someone else without proving in any way you are less worthwhile or less desirable or less lovable.

There are many reasons people lose interest in others such as, "I am just not as serious or ambitious as they are" etc.

And there are many good reasons for changing partners that demean no one, e.g. "I have more interest in common with another person." "Our futures will take us in different directions."

Perhaps the best thing you can hope for is to learn from the relationship and be a better partner.

Or if you break up, the most important thing to remember is I am a valuable, lovable person whether you love me or not.

It hurts, but I can handle it. If jealousy is a persistent problem perhaps it is time to consult with a professional.

Dr. Leta A. Livoti Ph.D., LCSW, LCPC is a psychotherapist in Thompson Falls.

She can be contacted at 827-0700.