Food for thought: Can you recognize emotional abuse?

This is a two part series on emotional abuse.  Today I will examine how to recognize emotional abuse.  Next week I will discuss the symptoms in men and women who abuse and how to stop it.

Although it is not visible, emotional abuse is at least as prevalent as physical abuse.  Experts agree that emotional abuse has reached epidemic proportions for both men and women.  Despite its every day occurrence, few of us recognize it or do anything about it.

Emotional abuse is any nonphysical behavior or attitude that

controls, intimidates, subjugates, demeans, punishes or isolates another person by using degradation, humiliation or fear.  Yelling, screaming and name calling are forms of emotional abuse, as are more subtle tactics such as refusing to be pleased with anything, isolating an individual from family and friends and invalidating another’s thoughts and feelings. Other forms of emotional abuse are withholding affection, emotional support and financial resources, contemptuous looks, comments or behavior.  The abuser may also threaten to harm an individual’s pet or possessions.

Emotional abuse is like brain washing.  It systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of “guidance,” “teaching,” or “advice,” the results are the same. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones.  With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim’s self-esteem until s/he is incapable of judging the situation realistically.   The person becomes so beaten down emotionally that they blame themselves for the abuse.  Their self-esteem is so low that they cling to the abuser.  Victims believe that they are worthless and that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go.  Their ultimate fear is being all alone. Emotional abuse, like all other forms of abuse, tends to increase in times of stress and economic hardship.

Emotional abuse should not be confused with an occasional outburst of anger.  Everyone has a bad day once in a while.  The difference is emotional abuse is an ongoing pattern of behavior designed to control, manipulate and subjugate another.  It usually, although not always, happens when no one else is around.  There is help available but it takes a commitment from the abuser along with the training of a professional counselor.

Dr. Leta A. Livoti Ph.D., LCSW, LCPC is a psychotherapist in Thompson Falls.