Morel mushrooms prove to be an elusive prey

Okay Montana, you can stop looking at me like I am from Mars. You can stop arming yourself when I come to your door. You do not have to hold your children close and whisper when you see me walking down the street anymore. It is okay because I am one of you now.

I am on team Montana. How did I do it? How did I finally earn my Montana merit badge and ditch that city boy exterior that has annoyed all of you? I went hunting this weekend.

Now, as I listen to the collective sigh of relief from everyone in Sanders County, you should be aware that I was after a rare prey. Risking life and limb as I carefully stalked the elusive Morchellae esculenta, I basked in the glory of participating in the long, celebrated tradition of hunting in Montana.

Now since none of us speaks Latin, I will identify for my dear readers what I was hunting for. It was not elk, bear, wolf or mountain lion. Far more dangerous, much harder to find, and exceedingly more apt to put up a fight, I was searching for the majestic, the mysterious, the incredible morel mushroom.

I can sense everyone in Sanders County rolling their eyes right now. It is okay. Roll your eyes. Mock me if you must. Point and laugh the next time you see me. Write a letter to my editor. I say hunting is hunting. I still went out with the intention of killing something. I say it counts.

Now for those of you who do not know me, I hail from Missouri. Why you say? I ask myself the same question all the time. I went to the University of Missouri School of Journalism before moving to this beautiful corner of the world. However, I was not aware of the prerequisite for moving here that I would have to go out and kill things.

Perhaps they should stop people at the border and provide a brochure. Maybe newcomers should take a crash course in Montana living. Either way, Montana needs to let people know before they get here what is expected of them just to ease the transition.

Before I moved here, I was already familiar with morel mushrooms. Before I became the intrepid reporter you all know and love, I worked in restaurants for many years. All through college I worked as a cook and as a sushi chef in a restaurant in the college town of Columbia, MO.

My fellow restaurant friends and I would frequently hunt for morels as they are in the culinary community considered a delicacy. Right up there with caviar, truffles, oysters, fois gras or filet mignon; morels are among the most delicious things you can put in your face.

I was not aware when I moved to Montana that morels grow prodigiously in areas that have recently burned. It is unknown in the scientific community why morels grow well in these areas but as large swaths of land in this condition are common in Sanders County, I was intrigued at the possibilities.

Now any respectable morel hunter will tell you that non-disclosure of hunting grounds is standard operating procedure so I will not tell you where I went. It does not really matter because I did not find anything. I kept my expectations low because they are rare but it was hard to suppress the visions in my head of hitting the jackpot.

I had notions of coming upon the mother lode of morels. I would become the morel mushroom magnate of Montana. I was going to corner the market and ruthlessly drive the price down, crushing the competition.

Mercilessly controlling the morel mushroom market, I would drive the competition out of business. I would build my own railroad to transport the carloads of morels I was finding and settle down to a quiet life in Malibu with the occasional vacation to my private island in the Caribbean.

Sadly, this did not happen. However, if I were to come upon the jackpot, my island fantasy could come true. Morels sell for up to $350.00 a pound on the open market. They are prized by chefs all over the world for their unique, earthy, and meaty flavor. They are also easy to cook.

You can slice them lengthwise, dip them in flour and batter and deep-fry them like a fish filet or simply sauté them in a little butter and garlic. So as I sadly tromped through the woods not finding tasty treats, my thoughts drifted to a place where morels grew by the truckload. I daydreamed about eating nothing but morels for the rest of my life.

I will ask that you be a responsible morel hunter. Check with the Forest Service or other land governing body and make sure you do not need a permit. You would not want to go to jail for theft of a fungus.

The hours spent walking around the woods in Sanders County produced no morels but I keep thinking I will eventually stumble upon my retirement fund. They are out there. I know people in Sanders County have their spots.

If you do find some, I know you will not disclose the location. However, feel free to invite me to dinner. But you better cook them all because I am not responsible for my actions if a few are left unattended on your kitchen counter. After all, what are the cops going to charge me with, theft of a fungus?