Colin's Sports Column: gearing up for spring sports

Being the new guy is hard. Being the new guy in a small town is really hard. Being the new guy in a new town at a new job is just plain terrifying. Especially if it’s a job I have no experience doing. This is the prospect I faced when driving to Plains, MT to accept my new position at the Clark Fork Valley Press. Now: to be fair, I can shoot pictures and I can write. However, I have absolutely no experience in covering hyper-local sports. I have visions of agile, nimble rubber people laying the ball in and then promptly stomping on my head as I crouch under the basket trying to get that award winning shot for the sports page.

I know someone is going to land on my head. It’s going to happen. Or the wide receiver is going to crash into me after making that ESPN Top Ten worthy catch near the sidelines before being ejected from the field by the safety who blew the coverage and feels it necessary to make an impression. What the replay never shows is the bodily harm done to the unlucky photographer who is just doing his job and gets clobbered by 200 lbs. of running back barreling toward him at a speed usually reserved for ballistic missiles and sound waves.

Spring sports are coming up so inevitably I’m going to take a golf ball upside the head or softball to the noggin. Maybe my lens will catch the javelin hurtling toward me and spare my shattered ego the embarrassment of walking into the ER at CFVH with this big stick protruding from my chest. Perhaps the catcher will do her job and actually field the pop fly before my head does. Little do our loyal readers know the trials and dangers of being a sports reporter. And while I may seem preoccupied with preserving the condition of my head and face, they have served me well so far and I would prefer to keep them in their current state of awesome.

So; in conclusion, a message to all you would-be Tiger Woods, Lolo Jones’ and Miguel Cabreras: I’ll be the guy with the camera in front of his face covering your game or event. I can’t see anything else except exactly what is in front of my lens. Be nice and don’t hit the ball at me just cause what happens next will be hilarious. I’m not saying it isn’t funny to watch me get hit with a flying object that I don’t know is coming. It will be hysterical. There’s a reason America’s Funniest Home Videos is still on the air.

Watching people get hit with stuff and suffering excruciating pain is a great American tradition and we should embrace this twisted spectacle as a part of our history and heritage. Just remember one thing athletes: if you decide to do it more than once, I will print that embarrassing photo of you picking your nose in the dugout on the front page and laugh my head off from my hospital bed.