Food for Thought: Healthy couple relationship
All relationships go through certain stages of development. Usually the first year or two is full of excitement, fun and passion.
When the honeymoon is over and reality sets in many couples begin to notice differences and annoyances in their mates. They begin to see the other person isn’t as perfect as they once thought.
Behavior that was once considered “cute” is now an irritation. Instead of talking these differences over many couples tend to sweep them under the rug hoping the conflict will disappear or they distances themselves so they don’t have to contend with the problems.
Unfortunately unresolved problems only fester and grow worse. Still others express their concerns but nothing gets resolved. It is at this point couples need to strengthen their relationship and make a whole hearted commitment to create a solid partnership if the relationship is to survive.
A good beginning in which to start feeling good about your partner is to have positive thoughts about him or her, and an enduring commitment to get through the good and the bad together. Think about the good qualities that first attracted you to her or him.
Determine that no matter how busy or chaotic life gets you will spend time together focusing on your relationship and on one another. Validate your partner by reflecting back you understand, you are interested, what she or he says is important and you accept how they feel.
Relationships tend to be more successful when you put your partner first. If in-laws are a problem the biological son or daughter should tactfully convey to her or his parents that you now have your own life and will make decisions for your own family.
Try and make them see they have not lost you but have gained your partner and your partner should be included as you are. Children must also be made aware you both operate as a team who stand behind one another.
Another key ingredient in a successful relationship is knowing how to communicate as well as share in decisions.
When discussing issues or problems couples need to stick with the present topic, focus on the here and now, and not bring up the past. Avoid blaming, criticizing, judging, discounting, or coercing your partner to do things they don’t want to do.
This only causes resentment. It is far better to state your own opinion or belief.
Utilize the “I” statements ie. “I feel _______ when you _______ I wish that ________”.
In essence respect their feelings, ideas and opinions.
Negotiation is another important ingredient in a good relationship. Successful couples request and don’t demand. They are prepared to offer something the other person wants in order to get what they want.
Both people need to feel they are getting out of the relationship what they are putting into it. Always reinforce the efforts and accomplishments of your partner.
Show him or her in a caring appreciative way. Remember while women need to feel loved; men need to feel respected.
Maintaining a good relationship just doesn’t happen by itself.
It is an ongoing process that takes work, time and effort interspersed with occasional check-ups and tune-ups.
- Dr. Leta A. Livoti Ph.D, LCSW, LCPC is a psychotherapist in Thompson Falls.