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Kvelve's Comments: Unapologetic Christmas wish list for others

| December 10, 2019 8:33 PM

I hope it’s not too late to get my Christmas wish list for others to the guy with the white beard and red suit.

It’s a comprehensive list, pulled from the depths of my heart, that I’m hoping can help out some folks.

First, I would like to come up with a coupon good for one or two visits to a proctologist so Congressman Adam Schiff can find out what is causing his eyes to bug out like they do.

I’m thinking a misplaced, or well-placed cattle prod could be the culprit but the medical pros will have to make that call.

Staying in the political field, I would like to ask for a custom fit set of dentures for House Speaker Nancy Pelosi so she can overcome the annoying shifts of choppers that distract from all the stuff she has to say.

Next, I would love to provide light sensor gifts to all those drivers out there who don’t get the high-beam, low-beam deal when driving at night. Something to automatically turn the beams down when an oncoming vehicle, like the one I’m often driving, approaches or for those who like to tailgate with the high beams shining bright.

For the folks at City Hall (insert your town here), I think some new shovels to replace those worn out by repeatedly re-filling pot holes that aren’t going anywhere.

Geez, I’m feeling so generous!

For robo-callers, a device that produces an attention-getting electric charge whenever they start to dial.

How about a new trophy for the winners of the annual Brawl of the Wild? After winning a big game like that, what sense does it make to parade around the field with a trophy that looks like a giant cow-pie on your shoulders?

A window in the studios of most of the local TV weather forecasters would be nice so viewers can at least get an accurate forecast by looking out that window.

How about a heart for satellite TV providers that allows them to actually LOWER monthly bills, at least every now and then?

Cell phones that actually get reliable reception would be nice.

Good, old-fashioned, static-free radio reception would help so many. Along those lines, country-western music that is actually country-western music, not “cowboys” trying to rap!

So many on the list, so little time!

Maybe one, just one, fast food restaurant somewhere in either Sanders or Mineral County? Yeah, I know it’s not real healthy. But neither is gas station food to go. I’m dreaming of a big Whopper, just like the ones I used to know.

An end to movie sequels? The ultimate proof that Hollywood is void of creativity.

What are we up to now, Rocky 35 where the Italian Stallion gets testy with the nursing home staff.

A functioning brain for AOC could be very helpful.

The list is already too long. Where would the jolly old guy put all these gifts and for Heaven’s sake how much would it all cost?

Most of all, a return to a sense of humor for all of us. This could be accomplished quite easily and relatively cost-free by eliminating political correctness!

Wow. I’m exhausted!

Chuck Kvelve Bandel is a reporter for the Mineral Independent and Clark Fork Valley Press. You can look for his “Kvelve’s Comments” column weekly.w