Food for Thought: Which angry face do you wear?

Many of us have been taught that anger is bad and that it should not be expressed. It is true that violent and aggressive expressions of anger are dangerous and destructive.

Yet, anger is a normal human emotion and everybody gets angry at one time or another. Our anger may even be justified, but unfortunately, many times you have been told by a parent, teacher or authority figure that you should not feel anger when you really do.

Even if you try to comply, the unexpressed angry feelings will still exist. When these feelings are not expressed assertively, they tend to be stuffed or indirectly expressed in destructive ways.

Learning to recognize the many face of anger is the first step in managing your anger. Claudia Black and Ronald Potter-Efron, two leading psychotherapists, list the different styles of anger.

Which of the following styles fits you?

1. Anger Avoidance - These people believe that almost any expression of anger is bad and tend to avoid conflict at any cost. Although, they temporarily lessen their anxiety and stress in this way, they often fail to deal with the real problems in their lives because of the fear of their own anger and the anger of others. These people must learn to express themselves in an assertive and appropriate manner.

2. Passive Aggressive - These individuals forget, stall, and fail at what they are suppose to do until others give up on them and quit expecting anything from them. The passive aggressive person is always late because s/he doesn’t really want to be there, or says s/he will do something and doesn’t do it or else takes forever to do it because s/he resents the obligation. This person needs to learn how express his wants and needs.

Verbal Abuse - Such people take their anger out on others in the forms of put downs, name calling, blaming, humiliating, and personally attacking the character of the person.These people need to recognize what they are doing, stop their behavior, and deal with their anger in better ways.

3. Guerrilla Humor And/Or Sarcasm - Often, this type of behavior consists of throwing out an attack, an insult, and then calling it a joke and retreating behind a smile. Then the person states, “I was just kidding, you are being too sensitive.

4. Retaliatory Anger - Someone has said or done something that is hurtful and very upsetting; for example a husband says something cruel or embarrassing about his partner in front of his friends. The partner may just laugh it off, but later finds a way to get even such as going on a shopping spree or having an affair.

5. Sudden or Explosive Anger - Others see these people as having a short fuse. Such people usually stuff their feelings and are unable to recognize their anger building up and suddenly explode. They need to learn how to identify their feelings before those feelings become unmanageable and explode in anger. These individuals would profit from time-outs.

6. Shame Based Anger - Some people convert episodes of shame into bouts of rage. They perceive that someone (either by word or action) is attacking them and they feel a sense of worthlessness. They defend against this feeling by attacking the offender. People with shame/rage patterns need help separating their shame from their anger and address their shame issues.

7. Habitual Anger - People with this style of anger have a viewpoint that the world is unsafe and that people are stupid, useless and bad. Their belief system needs to be challenged

8. Excitatory Anger - Sometimes people get an adrenaline rush with strong anger. The sensation helps them feel more alive. This form of anger is more difficult to break. These people need to develop a style that is more moderate and substitutes that are more satisfying.

9. Depression - Although depression is complex and biologically based; sometimes it can be anger turned inward. These people fear that if they get in touch with their anger people will reject or abandon them, or they will become abusive, or others will become abusive toward them.

10. Self Medication - When anger is too overwhelming and a person can no longer cope, many learn to self medicate by using drugs, alcohol, food, compulsive exercise, work addiction or compulsive spending. These addictions only fuel greater anger and self-loathing.

Remember anger is a normal human emotion.

ANGER IN ITSELF IS NOT BAD. IT IS WHAT WE DO WITH THAT ANGER.

If you find yourself frequently reverting to any of these faces, or that your anger is too intense, or that it is interfering with your relationships, job or life it is time to seek professional help.

Dr. Leta A. Livoti Ph.D is a psychotherapist in Thompson Falls. She can be contacted at 827-0700.