Simple rules for successful camping

One of the best features of summer for a lot of Montanans and tourists is camping in the great outdoors.

My camping activities have been greatly curtailed in the last few years due to a back that has been fused several times caused by outright meanness from very large men wearing different sports uniforms than me.

Lifting weights most of my life and heavy patients while I was a radiology guy didn’t help the old spine either.

Sleeping on a gel-infused mattress pad that is on top of a pillow-top mattress is one thing, getting rest on the hard ground, with only a thin layer of sleeping bag between me and terra firma is quite another.

Still, I love camping.

But I’m not about to rent or buy one of those houses on wheels that are nicer than the place I now live to enhance my camping longevity.

You can’t get away from it all if you bring it with you, right?

With that in mind, I would like to offer some tips and words of wisdom to those of you who are camping fanatics or are thinking it would be the life for you.

Being outside, rubbing elbows with nature and having a cold beer or two around a campfire can be a wonderful thing.

But there are, as is the case with everything these days, some guidelines one should follow to ensure a fruitful brush with Mother Nature.

Remember where you are. Be aware of your surroundings.

It is probably not a good idea to pull into a campsite in what you think is New Hampshire when you are actually in Vermont. That would be like running for President while you think you are running for the Senate.

Understand that while camping can be a wonderful experience, a basic knowledge of the outdoors is always a good idea.

Don’t Google it. Forget Google. Other than a cell phone or an emergency locator beacon, leave the electronic devices behind. They are probably a key reason you need to get out and “rough” it.

The locator beacon can be useful if you wander off and soon realize a sizeable portion of camping territory does not have reliable phone service.

Read the campground bulletin board. It will tell you what kind of animals in the area might consider you a Human McNugget and which beautiful leaves in those bushes can actually turn you into a puffer fish just by brushing up against them.

Heed the notices about campfires. For example, if it says campfires not allowed, do not think that a heavy wind blowing through the campground will mask the fact you are not heeding the notices.

Don’t burn garbage, creosote-soaked anything and the odd chunk of plutonium you have and can’t wait to see how it reacts to fire.

Remember, fire good, but fire can also be bad.

Sit a safe distance from the fire. Beer and other intoxicants can increase the mesmerizing call for you to do stupid things that you will later regret.

How do I know this? I don’t want to talk about it.

When you are done connecting with your inner self for the night, put the fire out! This does not mean urinate on it, which will stink up at least the other campsites closest to yours.

Nor does it mean just forget it and go to bed. Smoke in bed, wake up dead. This applies to sleeping bags as well.

Store your food safely according to campground advice. Bears, like their dog relatives, have huge blowers on the front of their faces, otherwise known as noses.

With these enormous snouts, they can smell a hamburger bun in a bush from outer space. Of course all of this should make you ponder the wonder of nature, one of the reasons you are camping in the first place.

Don’t think about the fact that animals with super smelling capability greet each other by sniffing their behinds. Shouldn’t they know that other bear or dog is their buddy Brutus from miles away?

You are there to relax, right?

Take advantage of your surroundings. There are great places to hike and fish in the wilds. Just remember a few basic common sense rules, most important of which is what to wear.

First, if you are there with Lady Gaga, she of the meat suit, suggest an alternative form of attire. And never, ever wear skivvies made from bacon.

If you are hiking along, don’t rely on bells to ward off bears or other predators. My brother was a park ranger a long time ago and used to give talks to the groups of hikers heading out for the ultimate bonding with nature.

It never, failed, he told me, that at least one hiker would always ask if wearing bells was a good idea.

“Yes” he would say. “That way when the authorities are looking for the animal that dragged you off they will know they are on the right track when they see bear scat with bells in it.”

Be considerate. I like Metallica too, but after 11 p.m., while I’m trying to wear a me-shaped divot into the ground in hopes of finding a comfortable way to sleep, heavy metal ain’t helping!

One final word of advice. Pick up after you leave.

I can still hear my Dad admonishing us to “always leave the campsite cleaner than it was when you found it.”

Nothing ruins a campsite like half-burned baby diapers or flip-flops in the bushes.

So, have fun. Don’t get bit by anything large.

Be courteous to your fellow campers.

Enjoy!

Chuck Kvelve Bandel is a reporter for the Mineral Independent and Clark Fork Valley Press. Look for his “Kvelve’s Comments” column weekly.