Kvelve's Comments: Letter to Santa

| December 2, 2020 12:00 AM

Dear Santa:

I know it’s a bit early, but the way time speeds by these days, I thought I’d better get this done early.

I’ve already, for probably the first time in my life, finished my Christmas shopping.

Some of it was online, but the majority of my gift buying was completed through local merchants. My kids and two awesome grandsons will be getting something from the heart. Mission accomplished on the home front.

But there’s still a bunch of wishful shopping to do for this re-patriated Montanan.

Don’t know if you’ll have room in your sleigh and certainly don’t want to cause hernia problems for Rudolph and crew, but here goes.

First, bring back Big Sky Conference football. Ever since the conference expanded and included the California schools, things have not been the same. The Brawl of the Wild in March?

Why not a proclamation to move the Fourth of July to the Fifth of April? April usually doesn’t have a holiday and folks around here who are at the height of cabin fever would probably love to launch some aerial pyrotechnics as they break out of winter. Some already do.

Next, I would ask that Mr. Biden receive a year’s supply of one of those caffeine-packed energy drinks. He’s gonna need them. Or at least his handlers will.

How about a round of “All lives matter” T-shirts for everyone? God would no doubt love that, and He could use some loving from all of us.

Let there be peace between me and the deer/mice that have intruded on my life in the past year. A nice peace treaty between me and the critters would be a great gift Santa.

There would have to be clauses (no pun intended) within the document whereby and here-to-fore the mice would agree to not run up my pant leg and the deer would stop eating my veggies and flowers.

I would in turn agree to stop building higher walls and putting out baited mouse traps….a win/win for both parties.

Next, how about finding room in that big white bag for doses of Covid vaccine? What, that’s already being taken care of? I’m sure the schools, restaurants, small and large businesses and health care providers will no doubt consider that a wonderful present.

While I’m at it here, I just thought of something for me, something personal and practical at the same time. I don’t think a few large size rolls of mental floss would take up too much space and they wouldn’t add more than a few ounces of weight.

I’ve tried to keep a steady supply of mental floss on hand, but with the pandemic and all, not only have supplies been hard to find but I suspect lots of people are hoarding these magic threads.

Mental floss is essential in these times. You simply string it through one ear and pull it out the other ear much the same as you would wiggle dental floss between the teeth.

A few tugs back and forth helps take the mind off the worries and frustrations of being a human being in the 21st century. I believe they are bio-degradable.

I know this list is getting long and Dancer, Dasher and Prancer are grumbling, but I have a few more essential requests.

How about a pay raise and more help for the men and women of law enforcement? The thin blue line has been assaulted enough. If you send in 10 social workers to stop a rampaging lunatic with a loaded bazooka, you better have one thing….a good supply of body bags.

Could you bring a big supply of those electronic dog collars that zap Fido when he barks? Not for the dogs, that would be inhumane.

No, these would be for folks who think rioting, burning and looting are a good idea. Every time riotous thought enters their little minds, the zapping would kick in.

Entertaining if not effective.

Finally, Dear Santa, put some crop-dusting sprayers on your sleigh and dust every village, hamlet, city and suburb with a large dose of civility.

Let us learn to laugh, love and live again. That would be the most priceless gift of all and the one most in need in these turbulent times.

Oh, and one more thing, put yourself down for a big raise Santa, and tell them I said it was okay!!

Chuck Kvelve Bandel is a reporter for the Mineral Independent and Clark Fork Valley Press. Look for his “Kvelve’s Comments” column weekly.