Food for Thought: Avoiding miscommunication

Most misunderstandings are caused by miscommunications. Assertiveness is expressing your wants and feelings in a non-aggressive way; thus avoiding many misunderstandings.

Very few of us were actually taught how to be assertive.

Here are some helpful tips:

1. Choose the right time. ake sure you have the person’s attention and that they are not preoccupied, distracted or in a hurry. If the issue is important you may want to schedule a special time to discuss the matter.

2. Choose the right place. Discuss important issues in a private, neutral location.

3. Be direct and be specific. Say,”I would like the project finished and on Joe’s desk by 9 a.m. Tuesday morning.”

4. Use body language to emphasize your words. “I need that report Tuesday morning.” is an assertive statement. But if you mumble this statement and there is no direct eye contact, you undermine your message.

5. Confirm your request. Ask that the specifics be repeated back. This minimizes miscommunication.

6. Stand up for yourself. Don’t allow others to take advantage of you; insist in being treated fairly. Here are a few examples: “I was here first,” “Excuse me, but I have another appointment,” “Please turn down the radio,” or “This steak is well done, and I asked for medium rare.”

7. Learn to be friendly with people you would like to know better. Do not avoid people because you don’t know what to say. Smile at people. Convey you are happy to see them.

8. Express your opinions honestly. When you disagree with someone, do not pretend to agree. When you are asked to do something, ask for an explanation.

9. Maintain eye contact when you are in a conversation.

10. Don’t get personal. When expressing annoyance or criticism, comment on the person’s behavior rather than attacking the person. For example, “Please don’t talk to me that way,” rather than “What kind of jerk are you?”

11. Use “I” statements when commenting on other’s behavior. For example, “When you cancel social arrangements at the last minute, it is extremely inconvenient and I feel really annoyed.”

12. Look for good examples. Pay attention to assertive people and model your behavior after theirs.

13. Start slowly. Express you assertiveness in low anxiety situations at first; don’t leap into a highly emotional situation until you are more confident. Most people don’t learn new skills overnight.

14. Reward yourself each time you push yourself to formulate an assertive response. Do this regardless of the response from the other person. Not everybody is going to be happy when you express yourself but you will begin to feel better about yourself.

15. Don’t put yourself down when you behave passively or aggressively. Instead, identify where you went off course and learn how to improve.

Dr. Leta A.Livoti Ph.D., LCSW, LCPC is a psychotherapist in Thompson Falls. She can be contacted at 827-0700.