Food for Thought: Are You in a verbally abusive relationship?

This is the first of a two-part series on verbal abuse. In this article I will discuss some of the dynamics and the various types of verbal abuse. In the next article I will discuss how to handle verbal abuse when it occurs to you.

Verbal abuse is a kind of battering which doesn’t leave bruises comparable to the bruises of physical battering.

However, it can be just as painful, and the scars can take years to heal, if ever. For the victim verbal abuse is very confusing. Many times people don’t recognize what is happening and think something is wrong with them.

After all, how can someone they love or someone who loves them, or an authority figure such as a boss or parent deliberately want to hurt them?

People who are verbally abused feel they are responsible in some way for the abuse and that it has something to do with their behavior.

They wrongfully perceive that they have made the abuser angry, disdainfully or distant from them. The victim often tries hard to explain that they really didn’t mean anything hurtful even though they are not sure what they have done. A few people attempt to fight back but nothing ever gets resolved.

None of these tactics work because verbal abuse like other forms of abuse is really about power and control; not about the victim.

Verbal abuse occurs because the abuser feels that s/he must overpower the victim in order to feel good about him/herself.

People who verbally abuse others often lack skills to effectively communicate their true feelings or beliefs. They demonstrate feelings of insecurity, uncertainty, and anxiousness as anger.

Unwillingly to share feelings with their partners, they distance themselves by using verbal weapons that confuse and hurt.

Patricia Evans, in her book entitled The Verbally Abusive Relationship, lists 12 categories of verbal abuse. These are :

1. Withholding - Abusers refuse to listen, share or support their partners. They keep all thoughts, feelings and hopes locked inside themselves. They remains silent and aloof, revealing as little as possible and have an air of indifference.

2. Countering - If a partner sees things differently the abuser feels that s/he may be losing control and dominance. The abuser chooses to argue against the partner’s thoughts, perceptions or the experience of life itself. The abuser constantly seeks the opposite viewpoint of her/his partner; thus, consistently denying the reality of the victim.

3. Discounting - Discounting denies the reality and experience of the partner. The message is your feelings and experience are wrong. They are worth nothing. Such expressions as “You’re too sensitive”, “You’re not happy unless unless you are complaining”, “You are making a big deal out of nothing” are often used.

4. Verbal Abuse Disguised As Jokes - Comments that cut to the quick touches the most sensitive areas such as competency, intellectual abilities or appearances. Such comments as “You could not find your head if it wasn’t attached” or “What else could you expect from a woman (man)” are examples.

5. Blocking and Diverting - The primary purpose is to prevent discussion, end communication or withhold information. Blocking can be switching the subject or making false accusations. Examples are : “You heard me. I am not going to repeat myself”’ “Quit yakking”, “Did anybody ask you?”

6. Accusing and Blaming - Accusing the partner of some wrong doing, blaming the partner for their anger, insecurity or an event that has happened is yet another tactic of the abuser.

7. Judging and Criticizing - Statements such as “The trouble with you----” “You are crazy” are often employed to belittle partners.

8. Trivializing - This is a way of conveying whatever accomplishment has been achieved or expressed as insignificant. It can be done in a subtle way so that the partner is left feeling depressed and frustrated but isn’t sure why.

9. Undermining - There are many complex ways an abuser can undermine her/his partner. Some include : disruption and interruption. An abuser may sabotage the partner’s conservation with others by creating a disturbance as s/he enters a room, interrupt them from finishing a story, oppose or negate what they said in front of others.

10. Threatening - Threatening manipulates the partner by bringing up their worst fears. Some examples would be “ Do what I want or ______”. or “If you ____, I’ll_____”.

11. Name Calling - This is one of the most overt categories of verbal abuse that is frequently used.

12. Forgetting - Some abusers consistently forget the promises or agreements they have made to their partners or they may deny that they ever made such an agreement or promise.

13. Ordering - Ordering denies equality and autonomy. Orders are given instead of asking respectfully. Examples include : “Get in here and clean this up”, “You’re not going out now” or “You’re not wearing that”.

14. Denial - An abuser may read this article and say that s/he loves their partner and would never do anything to hurt them.

15. Abusive Anger - The abuser’s anger arises from a general sense of personal powerlessness. By making the partner the scapegoat, the real cause of the behavior is denied. The abuser is convinced and convinces the partner that s/he has somehow said or done something to justify the abuse. When the abuser vents his/her anger on the partner, the underlying tension that is felt from the personal powerlessness is released. As a result the partner feels bad and the abuser feels good.

Abusers often employ several of these tactics. The net result for the victim is “crazy making”. After a while, they don’t trust their own perceptions, judgment or feelings. Verbal abuse wounds and sometimes kills the spirit of the victim.

Next week I will write about some of the steps a person can take to deal with verbal abuse.

Dr. Leta A. Livoti Ph.D, LCSW, LCPC is a psychotherapist in Thompson Falls. She can be contacted at 828-0700.