Food for Thought: Successful step-parenting

Life for kids in a new stepfamily can be confusing and uncertain.

Stepparents can decrease their confusion and uncertainly by helping each child secure an important significant place in the new family. The key is to provide positive attention, express appreciation. show affection, demonstrate acceptance and arrange family meetings.

You can give a child positive attention and make them feel part of the family in various ways. Recognize a child for a particular contribution that s/he may perform.

For instance a child could be a “snack server” who brings the family a treat in the evenings, or the “weather man” who listens to the weather in the mornings and announces what kind of day it will be, or perhaps a “pancake maker” for Sunday mornings or “caretaker” for the pets or “table setter.”

The important point is each child needs a special job to feel s/he is contributing to the family.

Take time to spend a few minutes alone with each child talking and sharing. This time is a chance for the child to share whatever is on his or her mind. By just listening and not lecturing the child will feel you care and that s/he is valued.

Invite a child to join you in some daily activity - doing an errand, going for a walk, peeling potatoes or assisting with the barbecue.

Don’t focus on the work aspect but rather on the sharing. Remember invite but don’t demand.

Notice their school work. Take time to look at all their papers and artwork. Hang them up on a family bulletin board. Let the child know that you are proud of them.

Plan special occasions that build bonds among family members. Any time a family member earns a special achievement or award celebrate it.

Also celebrate the little things like your child’s involvement in a play, the end of a soccer season, etc.

Children thrive when appreciation is freely given.

Hearing positive comments, they learn to like themselves and the people around them. Verbal and written statements are important in all families, but are especially important in stepfamilies because children often do not know which behaviors are okay with a new parent and which are not.

Written comments are often more meaningful because they can be reread over and over again. You can place them on your child’s pillow, in the lunch box or in drawer.

Showing too much affection, too soon, often scares new stepchildren.

They usually don’t know how to handle it or children may feel disloyal to the biological parent. It is best to first express appreciation and then add “I like you” statements.

Here are a few for starters “I am glad we live together, I like being around you,” “I like having another son/daughter.”

Stepfamilies must understand each other’s differences and accept diverse ways of doing things. It takes a lot of compromising and avoid playing “Who’s Right?”

Arrange family meetings to build closeness and cooperation. Together chose a convenient time for all members of the family to meet. Invite but don’t force everyone to attend.

However, make it clear that any decision made during the meeting will be binding on everyone. These meetings can be used to recognize thoughtful deeds, accomplishments, say “thank you”, solve problems, solve disagreements or plan activities and vacations.

Blending a stepfamily is a process that takes several years.

Positive results may not be immediate. Practicing these techniques requires consistency and persistence. Some days will be harmonious, while other days you will feel like throwing in the towel.

But having a successful family is well worth the time and effort.

Dr. Leta A. Livoti Ph.D., LCSW, LCPC is a psychotherapist practicing in Thompson Falls. She can be contacted at 827-0700.