A conversation with candidate 'Z'

It must have been a dream.

You know, one of those bizarre sketches from a deep sleep slumber or perhaps a mid-day nap in my trusting but rapidly disintegrating recliner.

Whatever and whenever, it was something that became stuck floating around in this ever-forgetful skull. A fantasy perhaps, unreal for sure.

Anyway, I “dreamt” that I, Charles K. Bandel, was being granted an interview with an imaginary, unreal candidate for the nation’s highest office.

Yeah me, a scribe for small town newspaper America, had been chosen by some mystical force to have an audience with candidate Z.

And it goes something like this:

Me: I’m so honored to be given this opportunity Z.

Z: It’s great to talk with you from a small town in North Dakota on a really nice Wednesday afternoon.

Me: Uh, with all due respect Z, it’s Monday morning and I’m in Montana.

Z: Right, Thursday is a good day for everyone in your wonderful Canadian province.

Me: Okay….moving on….what motivates you to run for President?

Z: My wife, she wants me to get out and move around.

Me: I see. Have you ever met officer Manny Quinn?

Z: Yes I have. I believe it was in a movie. Pretty sure I called him a lying dog-faced pony soldier. I’m thinking we met in the Halls of Montazuma.

Me: Officer Quinn is a mannequin who resides in a police vehicle to help slow down unsuspecting motorists who speed through our town. And she is presumably female.

Z: Of course he’s female. And making too much money. As you know, I support defunding slackers like that and replacing them with social workers. Gotta have someone who can rationalize with tough guys like Corn Pop. I don’t think Corn Pop is a problem since I threatened to whip him with a chain. But popcorn is a problem. Always gets stuck in my teeth.

Me: Wow.

Z: You damn right wow! It’s like that song goes, you know, the thing. Darn dentists.

Me: So…who do you see as the biggest threat to the United States?

Z: I already told you, Pop Corn. But I took him out behind the gym and did more pushups the he did. Look man, I keep hearing it’s China. Come on, China is too busy cooking that great food to be a threat to us. Except when it comes to that hot stuff they put on everything…raises havoc with my internal self.

Me: (insert theme from the Twilight Zone…it’s my dream) So what do you think about the rioting and looting that has been going on this summer?

Z: What rioting and looting? Are you talking about those nice folks who are getting incredible discounts at Target? About damn time. I bought a clock radio back in 1947 and the thing quit working 20 years later. Obviously a faulty product but when I tried to get my money back they lied and told me there were no Target stores in 1947.

Me: Dude, you seem a bit confused.

Z: Me? Nah…I’m fit as a bell and sharper than a blunt object. Wait, I hear something coming over the microphone in my ear. What, yeah I’ll pick up a dozen eggs too.

Me: Was that call from a world leader?

Z: No. It was from ABC, the world leader in sports. How about those Senators?

Me: You mean the senators in the opposition party?

Z: There’s a party? No, I mean the Washington Senators man, baseball.

Me: Uh, the Washington Senators moved to Minnesota in the 60s and became the Minnesota Twins.

Z: Mexico has a baseball team?

Me: What about the recent trade deals? They seem better than what we had.

Z: I know. My son traded his lack of knowledge about anything for lots of cash from two of them foreign countries…I think it was New York and California.

Me: Okay, I think we are about done here. Thank you for your time.

Z: I gave you time? How can anyone give another person time? Lets drop here and see who can do the most pushups. I like pushups, those delicious little tubes of ice cream with a stick inside. Do you know if you push up on the stick, ice cream comes out the top?