COLUMN: Christmas wish list

Ordinarily, when the world does not seem like it’s upside down or inside out, I usually ask Santa this time of year, to bring good things to folks I know.

This year, it’s going to be all about me.

First on my list is a tool that may be very useful in the coming months: a “How to learn the Mandarin Chinese language” guide.

Why would a cornbread guy like me need to learn Chinese?

So I can bid a proper and “fond” farewell to everybody’s favorite knucklehead, LeBron James.

He is a very talented human being when it comes to playing basketball and he is adored in China for his support of the People’s basketball team, among other things.

Along the path of his often tumultuous career, he has shown a disdain for America and a love for Chinese yen.

This past week, LeBron and his entourage walked into a college basketball game (his son was playing on the team) while the National Anthem was being played. Then, in true LaBron-is-center-of-the-universe style, he promptly took a seat, again while the anthem was still playing.

I want to be able to tell him I am done with pro basketball as long as he is part of it. Oh, he won’t give a rat’s behind about what a small-time little guy like me thinks, but I think he ought to hear it in his native tongue.

Maybe a few hand gestures as well?

I thought we were done with the flag protests. No more kneeling during the anthem. If you can’t take two minutes to honor the country who allowed you the opportunity to become a great player and attain fabulous wealth, just stay in the lobby until the song is over.

Next on my list dear Santa, is a replacement “smurf” bar, the step into the cab bars that run alongside the outside of the passenger compartment of my truck, Big Red.

In a haste to leave the hospital after a long night of trauma scans several years ago, I turned too sharply and a railroad tie planter box bent the smurf bar that was there. Bent it all the way back under the truck. Geez, I thought they were tougher than that.

At any rate, helping passengers into the cab on the passenger side has become a giant pain in the caboose.

A shiny new bar would be awesome Mr. Claus.

I won’t make this a long list, I don't want to be compared with greedy pros.

I would also like to continue my recovery from heart surgery. I figure I’ve already beaten the odds and am living on borrowed time after that experience, but it has shown me this life, no matter how many irritants there are, is better than the alternative for now.

And finally, I would like a set of thick rubber gloves.

Not the dish washing kind, the kind that will protect by hand from another irate, deranged Griz fan who does not like my Bobcat shirt.

I’ve spent a few weeks in pain as the swelling subsided and am on the mend.

But the clear thought in all of that event was that I’m getting too old to fight anyone.

I’m not going to just stick out my chin and let some nut job hit me. And if I ever need to fend off stupidity again, I want my hand well padded.

Might preserve a few teeth on the attacker too!

Merry Christmas everyone!! Thank you for your kind words over the past year about the sports coverage.

You have made my “retirement” hectic, but enjoyable!!