COLUMN: A real American sport

I had an interesting “discussion” with a friend a few months ago.

We were talking about the REAL “America’s sport” and I was trying to convince him it was rodeo.

Then, in total innocence of conscience, my friend uttered a dangerous phrase.

“I guess I never really considered rodeo a sport”.

I was aghast to say the least.

Words crashed into my lips after colliding with my tongue on their way out of my larynx.

“You….but...really….oh my God….geez Louise…..you're kidding?” And those were among the nice word combos that were trying to well up and escape in a sentence worthy of my stunned horror.

“Rodeo has the top two toughest groups of athletes on the planet,” I finally blurted out. “The cowboys and the livestock”.

Please, I begged him, do not utter that phrase if you are in a bar anywhere in the civilized Western United States or the Southern colonies. And if you do, don’t, for Pete’s sake, say it out loud in a bar in rural Montana, Wyoming or Idaho. And let’s not even ponder the reaction from Texans. “Get a rope," comes to mind.

I continued….let me tell you about bulls for example. I have never been a bull rider but I once cleared a fence way higher than I’ve ever high jumped scrambling to avoid a charging bull in the middle of the night. Someone in our Coors Light altered group tried to sneak oup and “cow tip” a bull.

The 2,000 pound muscle known as a bull, because hellbeast sounds like a bad movie, was in full snot-tossing mode as he covered ground an animal that big ougth not be able to cover that fast. I cringed in pain as I used the electric fence to assist my personal record leap. The bull stopped, apparently he knew better.

Sure, rhinos are said to be deceptively fast and I hear trying to outrun a bear is a really bad idea. But bulls have the look of an underpaid assassin in their hollow black eyes.

And, cowboys, at least rodeo cowboys, climb on top and try to ride them, if only for eight seconds and enough cash to make it to the next rodeo in their trailer pulling pickup trucks.

Cow-tipping, by the way, is a really stupid game where you try to sneak up on a cow in the middle of a pasture and tip it over, assuming it is asleep and will let you do so.

Bulls will have none of it,

Cowboys also dive off athletic horses going full throttle across a dirt arena in hopes of grabbing a running steer’s horns, bringing it to a stop and throwing it to the ground by aforementioned horns.

And if that isn’t enough...cowboys, who do the rodeo circuit for a living, are a rare breed. Broken bones are like hockey players losing teeth. Cowboys wave off ambulances and consider torn knees badges of honor, if not untimely interruptions in the pursuit of that which is brutal.

Large defensive linemen may fall on a person, and some boxers may bite off an ear of their opponent, but I dare say none of those athletes would trade the danger of being stepped on by a bull or horse, or kicked anywhere by either species.

Oh, my friend, rodeo is indeed a sport. The object is to stay in the line of fire for at least eight seconds in the riding events, and tie and/or throw a speeding bovine to the ground in as little time as you can for other events.

Clowns keep the animals at bay, along with artfully skilled rescue personnel disguised as cowboys or other clowns.

Cheerleaders in the other sports prance around in skimpy sequin suits and serve more as a distraction than a rescue squad.

And on top of it all, rodeo begins and ends with eye-misting tributes to the nation, its veterans and the American way of life.

Flags are held in high esteem. It would not be a good idea at all to try and damage an American flag at a rodeo.

If you’ve never been to a rodeo, you should give it a try. The Fourth of July is a time when rodeos are held throughout this great state and country.

Hot Springs Homesteader Days has a fine rodeo, as do Superior and Plains during the summer months. Livingston, Red Lodge and Cody are amazing rodeo events.

And I would recommend everyone, before they exit the planet, if at all possible, plan a trip to the Pendleton Round-up in eastern Oregon.

And never, never-ever, utter the phrase “I didn’t think rodeo was a sport.”