COLUMN: The dimpled orb

It is a game not for the faint of heart.

It will both delight you and drive you nuts, often at the same time.

Golf.

Sports writer John Feinstein wrote a book about golf on the Professional Golfers Association circuit, most appropriately titled: “Golf: a Good Walk Spoiled”.

The version of golf I play, when asked if I play the game, involves hitting the dimpled orb out of sight, literally, never to be seen again.

Those errant shots, I believe, are holed up somewhere with the single socks I have lost over the years. By hook or by slice, I know I hit it hard and it goes a long way, but that is not a good way to play the game, and it can be expensive in terms of balls lost per round.

A round of golf, for those who may not know, is one trip around the golf course, which can be nine holes, 18 holes, or nine holes played twice.

The sport of frustration is almost always played on a nicely groomed playing field, known as the course. Drop the “o” from course after a “round” like those I play and you have “curse”.

The dimpled ball, which is generally white but can also be one of several fluorescent colors (presumably to help find the ball after it is whacked out of sight), is struck using clubs made of wood or metal. And the metal clubs, these days anyway, are called “irons” even though the actual metal known as iron, if it was ever used in golf clubs, has been replaced by high tech metal blends.

The “woods” have a metal plate on the head of the club, which makes it, in my mind, a metal-wood. These clubs are then toted around in a golf bag, which is often strapped to a wheeled cart, unless of course, you are riding around the course in a golf cart.

Some courses, in an effort to speed up play, thus ensuring more rounds are played per day which in turn ensures a healthier financial picture for the golf organization or “club” that owns or at least cares for the course.

The game begins with a player placing his or her ball on a device called a “tee”, a plastic or wood peg that lifts the ball off the grass to allow a better initial hit to start the game. That process is called “teeing off”, not to be confused with “teed” off as I often am just a hole or two into the round.

The initial stretch of grass over which the struck ball travels is known as the fairway, as opposed to the freeway, where it is much safer depending on how many golfers of my “handicap” are getting teed off by bad teeing off.

The object is to get to the hole, marked by a flag (some might say a flag of surrender) in as few strokes as possible. It is perhaps the only game where the lower the total score, the better.

The last leg of the ball’s journey to the hole or “cup” is usually over some very finely cropped grass known as the putting green. At some courses where the maintenance crew falls behind in watering the lawn, the putting surface could well be known as the putting “brown” but that would not be proper.

Some of the courses, which cost a day’s wage for a round of golf, are nicer than the gardens at the Taj Mahal. These are most often “private” golf clubs requiring membership to belong. I have never joined a golf club, not just because I have things to pay for like rent, food, gas, etc. The main reason I have never signed up, I tell folks, is that I have a steadfast rule in life that I would never join a club that would have me as a member.

It takes patience and practice to lower your average score and start hitting some birdies instead of bogies. Be assured, no actual birdies or bogies are usually hurt in the process, although every now and then goose feathers explode mysteriously over the fairway below.

Each hole is labeled with a “Par” number, which serves as a standard for the average number of strokes it takes good golfers to put the ball in the hole.

The saving grace in all of this for me and countless other part-time hackers, is that almost every golf club (the house, not the ball striking tool) has what is known as the “19th” hole. It is one hole beyond the number of holes on a regulation course, which is fitting because by time you get to the “19th” hole, you are ready for their specialty, booze.

That is where tall tales come to life and strokes magically disappear from the scorecards, which are used, on an honor system, to keep track of the number of strokes each golfer took to complete their round.

The beauty of it all is that it is played outdoors. A walk around an 18-hole golf course is a good stroll, which would be even better had it not been for the extra steps spent trudging through the tall grass trying in vain to find that lost ball.

Lost balls be damned, it is a wonderful game and a great way to spend a sunny day!