COLUMN: Hologram all-stars

When it comes to this Artificial Intelligence stuff, I’m at the very least a skeptic and at best a “show me” before I come to a conclusion.

I’ve long argued that what if the folks who program AI are having a bad day, would that lead to the creation of A”J”I, artificial jackass intelligence?

No need to spend time and money developing that, we have all we can handle already among the billions of inhabitants of this planet.

But I recently read about an AI performance that essentially brings Elvis Presley back to “life” in the not too distant future. The “Pelvis” as a hologram with his mind and movements computer-generated AI “magic”.

Will they be charging hologram dollars?

Probably not.

At any rate, the thought of Elvis in the electronic, not real, flesh got me wondering if sports stars and events are also being planned, or programmed.

Willie Mays and Joe DiMaggio patrolling a virtual outfield while Bob Gibson whistles fastballs, or “chin music” as he used to call it, by batters’ helmet ear holes.

If Gibson brings one too fast for an AI dude to duck, will he have a real, or artificial skull fracture?

Will that set off a nasty virtual rushing of the pitching mound and an AI brawl?

Will the greatest third baseman of all time, Brooks Robinson, get artificial dirt on his virtual uniform when he snags a “frozen rope” line drive and falls to the make-believe infield dirt?

Will there be infield dirt? Will “regular” humans sit in rows with those goofy virtual reality headsets on or will they be seated in an actual stadium?

These are just a few things I hope the “genius” minds are thinking about.

What will happen when the beer guy comes by and tosses you a cold one? Will it be an actual can of beer and will the vendor be a real guy or a virtual one? How much will said beer cost? I won’t be paying for a beer that is just an image in my already warped mind.

Will we get to see Mickey Mantle blast a virtual ball completely out of an artificial Yankee Stadium or will it all be just in our heads?

That would likely make me need a real beer.

Does all this mean Ty Cobb will slide into second base with electronic cleats trying to take the legs out from under a virtual shortstop, maybe Honus Wagner? Will Cobb then get into an “all in our minds” fight? It would be hard to beat the real thing.

My mind would be blown if Willie Mays makes an unbelievable over the shoulder basket catch, then runs into the center field wall and disappears into a blur of scrambled electrons.

And what about Ken Griffey, Jr.? Will he be able to wear his virtual hats sideways or backwards on his AI head?

Will Alex Rodriguez, Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens take AI-generated steroids to pump up their chemically altered muscles?

How much will a program cost? What about a hot dog or a bag of peanuts? And would the bags actually be thrown right to your hands or will that all be a figment of your imagination?

Clearly there is much to be considered and things to be ironed out.

I’m not sure I want to be around when such stuff takes place. Still, I would be curious about how those greats of the game would fare in such a world.

But not sure this mind needs such deep things to ponder.

Will home runs hit by AI Hank Aaron or base hits by Ted Williams count?

Finally, would this be the kind of world that would inspire Ernie Banks to say “Let’s play two today”?