Kvelve's Comments: What's a sport anyway?

It can be a fine line, other times it is not up for debate.

I’m talking about what is and isn’t a “sport.” This debate has been in this goofy mind for years, ever since some genius decided ballroom dancing was an Olympic sport. 

Is watching paint dry an Olympic sport?  If so, why is hopscotch not on the roster?   

There are so many things described as sports that are actually games folks play. I, for one, do not think dancing is a sport. Sure, it can be exhausting, especially for tango dancers or salsa dancers. 

But shouldn’t a sport require a tally of points, a time clock and a winner/loser thing? If exercising can be considered a sport, why not kicking back for that midday nap in the old recliner? 

At any rate, I was scanning the many channels on the old idiot box (aka TV) the other day and came across ... on a “sports” channel ... an event being promoted as a sport. I’m not sure what its official name was, but it involved pickup trucks and tractors pulling “sleds” loaded with heavy things. 

God bless America and rednecks. There was even a guy with a green race starter’s flag waving the trucks and tractors off the starting line. The thing is, these rigs don’t come off the line like regular race cars, and there is no “race” in progress. 

The green flag guy didn’t even have to walk out of the way or stand above the dirt track. He was in no danger. He backed up slowly and waved the flag like he was on muscle relaxers. 

The trucks and tractors would huff and puff, their front wheels would sometimes leave the ground under the strain, and off they would go. At the end of the pull, the driver would be greeted by an event official who had a tall, cold one in his hand. 

This, folks, is an event. A game. Not a sport. 

Some folks, I’m guessing, consider tractor pulls a sport because there is prize money and trophies for the winners. 

They hand out prize money in Bingo. Does anyone train to play Bingo? Are Bingo players “athletes”? 

My grandma wasn’t an athlete, and she loved Bingo and card games.  Does that make World of Poker competitors' athletes or their activity a sport? 

Now, I got to admit there was something kind of intriguing watching tractors belch black smoke as they strained to pull a sled full of heavy stuff.  It was, in a glorious redneck fashion, entertaining in its own way.  (Bet you never thought you’d see the word fashion follow the word redneck). 

No harm in calling stuff like that a sport, I guess. 

But for me, no time clock, no strenuous competition, no shoulder pads, no bats in hand and no ball involved separates “games” from sports. 

They didn’t used to say, “Welcome to the Wide World of games”! 

Spelling bee competitors are smarter than average folks. But does spelling a word no one else knows the meaning of make the spellers eligible for “sports” status? 

Somewhere out there is no doubt a tractor pull driver who was a spelling bee champ.

Let the games begin!

Chuck "Kvelve" Bandel is a reporter for the Mineral Independent and Clark Fork Valley Press. Look for his “Kvelve’s Comments” column weekly.